Healing Your Body Is An Act of Resistance

Your body is your most important creative collaborator- treat it accordingly.

I didn’t know I was on this journey to Presence (which would lead me to Creativity, which would lead me to Spirituality), until I started to understand what it meant to be present in my body.

It started with pain. Not from an injury or a birth defect but from years of enduring a near constant assault on my nervous system. If your system gets the message that it is not safe, it will start doing some extremes maneuvers to “keep you safe.” The muscles around my spine tensed, grew stronger and bigger to protect my spine. But they never learned to let go. At 15 I started physical therapy for chronic back pain. They hooked me up to a Tens unit and tried to train my muscles to release, release, release with electrical shocks meant to snap them out of their constant constraction.

I chose physically demanding jobs- serving and hosting at restaurants spending 8 hour shifts on my feet; a bread baker and pastry cook, hunched over benches doing small repetitive movements ; wedding photographer, carrying 8 pounds around my neck for 12 hours at a time, squatting and bending and straining to get the perfect shot. I saw my parents do physically demanding jobs- an ER nurse and a fireman, it’s a requirement to be physically in shape, to lift patients, to run and run and run with no end in sight. Sometimes I think I’ve been testing myself my entire life to see how much am I actually like them? Could I do what they do? And if I can’t, does that make me less of a person?

At 28, someone finally stopped me and asked why my anxiety was so high. I waved it off as if it’s just part of my personality, something I was learning to live with long term. But this tiny inquiry, offhanded but sincere, set me on a path to figure out why am I so fucking anxious? I couldn’t rest. I couldn’t chill, my perfectionism was killing me and making my back pain worse. Anytime something serious went down, like an unexpected death in the family, my back would go out, rendering me unable to walk for days at a time. I started talking directly to my back pain during acupuncture sessions and to my surprise, it talked back

“I don’t think you belong to me,” I told it. “Where are you from?”

The pain spoke to me in images, in primordial language - ancestors, demons, generational pain, my grandmother, my mother, the women before them that I have never met. This pain hadn’t been dealt with. This pain was latching onto me because on some level, the Energies That Be understand that the buck stops with me. Somewhere along the way I made a soul contract to transmute the pain that comes before me, the pain in this lifetime and to not allow it to proliferate, by any means necessary.

It is a lot of responsibility. A psychic once told me it’s the yoke around my neck and I won’t be able to move forward in my life until I cast the yoke off. I don’t think it’s solely my responsibility to heal this intergenerational trauma, but I realize that no one is going to do it for me. It feels important. It feels imperative.

Healing the body is an act of resistance. The first step is to get present. What is your body actually feeling? The next step is to get curious. What is in your control to shift? What is your body trying to tell you? What is your body calling for?

The Powers That Be would rather you stay disconnected from your body. They would rather you never know what rest feels like, never feel at home in your body, never feel content with your appearance. They will dangle fake solutions - buy this face cream, have this surgery, ignore that pain, sex sex sex, food food food, never slow down, death is around the corner and aging is to be avoided- maybe if you cheat it you will cheat death as well (you won’t).

Are you someone who ignores your body because you’ve got stuff to do? A job to get to, a house to clean, dinner to make. When I started tending to my body as if it is my most precious possession (it is), it demanded that I never ignore it again. On days when I try to get to my desk before tending to my body, I have a nagging voice in my head telling me stories of betrayal as if my body is holding a grudge- as if my body feels overlooked, forgotten, unappreciated. As time has gone on, I’ve come to appreciate this voice as a reminder that I can make different choices. Now I pretty routinely get to a workout before I sit down at my desk and I can’t believe the difference it makes in my pain levels and my ability to focus.

I follow my body’s lead now. I eat what my body is asking for, which changes constantly and requires attunement. I pay attention to the pain and I try not to push past it or shove it down, but rather stretch and walk and give the muscles the attention they ask for in hopes that they won’t revolt further. I’ve taken to cultivating my relationship with my body as if it is my greatest creative collaborator. I honor my body’s limits and needs because without this body there is no creativity, there is no work, there is no me. This vessel is my most valuable artistic tool and I care for it accordingly. This requires forethought, time, energy, presence, quiet, and constant attunement. Allocating resources to care for this body is an act of resistance- it is inherently anti-capitalist. We must remain strong and present to fight what is going on in this world- fascism, the crumbling of democracy, the downfall of capitalism. We don’t know how this will all shake out and we actually need to be prepared for anything. ANYTHING.

The more marginalized you and your immediate communities are, the more prepared you need to be. The more trauma you’ve experienced in your life, the harder it will be to sift through the layers and find presence. The work is the cost for your sovereignty and it is so worth it. Rest is essential, play is vital, communication and attunement are key.

90 Day Magic starts with taking stock of your values, time, energy, and money so that you can figure out how to arrange your resources in a way that allows you to tend to your body, mind and soul. All in the name of community. Align yourself, get your house right so you can bring your best self to the community, to share your offerings, to give and receive, and to keep showing up for the fight for our Collective Liberation. 90 Day Magic began as a framework for a sustainable creative practice.

Your art, no matter the medium or the message or the final result or whether it sells or is even seen, is an act of resistance. Your art might be a meal you cook for your friends. Your art might be a painting that helps you process the emotional pain you experienced as a 2 year old. Your art might be making hyper realistic grapefruit earrings (I saw some at a party this weekend and they were beautiful). The act of creation, the time spent, the resources manipulated, is deeply human and we are in desperate need of reminders of our humanity.

Journal prompts and a video below the paywall!